What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 00:59
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
Put me off passion for life!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Who then, do I blame.?
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I have no regrets .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My family never makes their pension either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He knew the spot.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I will be 64.
Ive learnt so much.
So whats the point in blame.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
I said to her
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She loved him until the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What did i know ?
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But, we were locked up after school.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.